Fellas, if you’re like me, you sometimes might not feel like the most masculine male human. That’s normal. Being a man is hard, what with having to sustain the patriarchy and all. Being an alpha is exhausting, and sometimes you just need to curl up with an IPA and a muscle mag.
Self-care is important (don’t tell anyone I said that).
When the testosterone levels are ebbing, here are some tips for maintaining your facade of masculinity.
• Get a tattoo. Sure, it hurts worse than people said it would, and you might even come close to passing out. (That didn’t happen to me, though, no sir.) Get something rugged or slightly morbid so that the world knows, hey, this guy is not to be trifled with. They’d never know you haven’t been in even one fight your whole life. (I have though, most definitely; many a scrap, yep.)
• Expectorate frequently. Your wife might say it’s gross, but what she doesn’t know is that a man’s spit is like a priest’s blessing – the ground where it lands becomes sacred and will produce more robust grass. As any manly man will tell you, lawn care is important.
• Buy an axe. Odds are you’ll never use it, but it looks cool propped up in your carport. For all anyone knows, you’re a lumberjack, and we all secretly wish we were lumberjacks. And that’s OK.
• Wear Axe body spray. I mean, teenage boys use it, and Lord knows they are the foremost experts in all things masculine.
• Grow a thick beard. It will hide your unmanly baby face.
• Show off your scars. People think scars are cool, because every scar tells a story. Sure, the story might be that you tripped over the cat and crashed through the glass coffee table after a few too many gin and tonics, but no one has to know that.
If you don’t have any scars, get some!
• If you’re at a social gathering, be sure to bring up the time you took a couple of boxing lessons and ask the host if he or she would like to spar – John L. Sullivan style!
• Another good way to assert your male dominance at a party is to work as many “Road House” quotes as you can into the conversation. If someone asks how late you plan to stay? “I’ll get all the sleep I need when I’m dead.” If someone accidentally steps on your foot? “Pain don’t hurt.” If the host asks why you haven’t left already because it’s 4 a.m. and they want to go to bed? “A polar bear fell on me.”
• Wear Affliction T-shirts. Nothing screams virility like bro fashion.
• Wear a fitted baseball cap – backward. Why? See previous bullet point.
• Buy a gun that you never, ever use but talk about it constantly with everyone you meet.
• Women like men with a sensitive side, so every once in a while bring up the tragic story of how a mean girl blocked you on Tinder simply because you sent her an, um, unsolicited photo. Pretend to cry.
• Pretend you agree with something said by Clay Travis.
• Watch a “Thor” movie and imagine yourself as the God of Thunder, with rippling biceps, bulging pecs, rock-hard abs, blond hair cascading over sinewy shoulders … well, you get the picture. Ahem.
• Throw yourself into your work while ignoring your loved ones, because nothing says masculinity like repressing your feelings. In fact, if you’re going to therapy, stop it. But before leaving, ask your shrink why you keep dreaming about Thor.
It’s probably because you just really like his hammer.