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The Rev. Eugene Stockstill

This is a repeat, but one that made me laugh out loud all over again. These are reported to be from actual church bulletins. (The Episcopal Church meme credited Max Bowen as the compiler.)

“The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus walks on water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Looking for Jesus.’”

“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.”

“Don’t let worry kill you off - let the church help.”

“Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.”

“For those who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”

“The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing ‘Break Forth into Joy.’”

“Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.”

 “Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.”

 “The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.”

 “At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

 “The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.”

 “This evening there will be a hymn singing at 7 p.m. in the park across the street from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”

“The low self-esteem support group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.”

“The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.”

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.”

The Rev. Eugene Stockstill is pastor of Ebenezer United Methodist Church and Myrtle United Methodist Church in Union County.

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