Lawn mowers and I long ago reached a mutual understanding. We both hate each other so there’s no hard feelings.

I saw a cartoon recently where someone said, “ I can’t mow this weekend. I pulled a muscle in my throat from cursing the pull cord on my lawn mower.”

I saw another funny cartoon which showed a bright red push mower in the yard, surrounded by four miniature mowers. One fellow standing there told the other guy, “I told you to get your mower fixed.”

When I was Googling trying to find a lawn mower part for my old big wheel Yazoo mower I saw this DIY site. One man asked, "How do I know if my lawn mower starter is bad?” I thought man that’s easy, just go on Facebook and see what it’s been bragging about doing.

My favorite lawn mower joke involves a preacher who traded a young boy a bicycle for a used mower.

The preacher brought the lawn mower back the next day and said, “Son this mower won’t crank.”

The boy replied, “Oh I forgot to tell you. You have to cuss it to get it to crank.”

“Young man I’m a preacher, I haven’t cussed in 25 years.”

“That’s no problem,” the lad replied. “Just keep pulling on that cord, it’ll all come back to you.” Amen.

I called Kawasaki Engines to try and find an ignition coil for my Yazoo mower. A stern voiced computer told me, "Please stay on the line to keep your current call status.”

I held on to my call status for 37 minutes and then Kawasaki cut me off. I thought out loud, “Lord, I wish Mr. Jack Warren could come back and work on my lawn mower."

On the computer I suddenly saw “seven simple reasons your mower might not start."

1. Out of gas— no I checked the tank and about ever 15 pulls on the starter cord I pass gas, so that’s not the problem.

2. Clogged carburetor— how long ago did you fill up your gas tank?

It was when gas had gone back up to $2.39 and the day after I bought gas it went down to $2.09—about a week.

How old was the gas I used?

Let’s see, I spilled gas on my feet last Saturday and I counted the ring stains on my shoe, 5 circles on there, so I’m thinking it’s five years old, right?

The website insisted that ethanol gas only has a shelf life of 30 days. I see, it takes several hundred years to produce gas and it goes bad in 4 weeks. Gas these days is about as reliable as white loaf bread.

3. Reason three said my mower might not start because of a clogged fuel filter. That can’t be the problem because my mower doesn’t have a fuel filter. (I don’t think)

Reason 4: If you old mower doesn’t have a fuel filter you need to buy a weed eater and someone to operate it.

Reason 5: You may have a dead battery.

Check your battery with a voltmeter. They sell voltmeters the same place they sell new mowers with fuel filters. I understand, it’s a conspiracy.

I noticed my battery says DieHard. So much for truth in advertising. If it is indeed the battery, it died easily, without so much as a cough or wimper. Why don’t batteries come with voice recording technology that warns “I’m weak on juice, weak on juice, weak on juice”?

Reason six: If the key in the ignition makes a clicking noise, it’s probably your starter solenoid.

Solenoid? You’re kidding. I’m 62 years old and I’ve heard it pronounced “cellenoid” all my life.

Listen foks, it’s been my experience that I’ve never replaced a solenoid, without replacing a battery and an alternator. It’s always been a “tri-fecta.”

Reason 6: Your spark plug could be dirty or disconnected. Replace spark plugs regularly.

It’s easy enough to check your spark plug connection, but replacing the spark plug is an all day singing.

Every weedeater or lawn mower I’ve ever owned were all built the same way. That’s with one engineer holding the spark plug and then the entire motor is assembled around the spark plug. Halfway through the motor assembly the engineer is now holding the spark plug with eight inch needle nose pliers. A very, very small crevice is left open with one-sixteenth of an inch clearance to weave a plug wrench onto an almost invisible spark plug.

By all means replace it regularly.

Reason seven: A dirty air filter will prevent a mower from cranking.

I solve this problem annually with a bag of Gummy bears and meaningful negotiations with the local dirt dobber population. I let the dirt dobbers live in my air filter during the winter months and I pay them with Gummy Bears to stay out of the air filter and help keep it clean during the summer mowing season.

Good Lord, no wonder I can’t fix a mower. I can’t spell dirt dobber correctly.

Mr. Webster suh, my apologies. But down South here we don’t have mud daubers.

We have dirt dobbers (and dictionaries). But it’s more ignition coils we so humbly need.

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